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00:00:22,270 --> 00:00:29,539
Good evening. It's good to be back with
you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Indeed it

2
00:00:29,540 --> 00:00:32,779
is. And in a packed program tonight, I
shall be talking to the highly

3
00:00:32,780 --> 00:00:36,959
team of free enterprise dustmen who have
solved the problem of rubbish disposal

4
00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:38,220
in central London.

5
00:00:38,620 --> 00:00:40,600
They're making three deliveries a week.

6
00:00:42,700 --> 00:00:47,219
And the BBC's head of religious
broadcasting will be here to tell us

7
00:00:47,220 --> 00:00:52,219
on information received, he will not now
be allowing the Nolan sisters to appear

8
00:00:52,220 --> 00:00:53,600
as the five foolish virgins.

9
00:00:57,980 --> 00:00:59,540
There are only four of them.

10
00:00:59,541 --> 00:01:05,199
We had hoped to bring you the chairman
of the slightly deaf society in his

11
00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:07,670
underpants, but he wouldn't hear of such
a thing.

12
00:01:08,430 --> 00:01:13,529
So instead we'll be meeting Oswestry
housewife Mrs Nellie Gasket, reputedly

13
00:01:13,530 --> 00:01:17,589
world's fussiest woman, who was granted
a divorce from her husband today on the

14
00:01:17,590 --> 00:01:19,760
grounds that he clashed with the
curtains.

15
00:01:20,450 --> 00:01:21,670
But first, the news.

16
00:01:21,890 --> 00:01:26,209
In Trafalgar Square today, the great
anti -pornography rally was cancelled at

17
00:01:26,210 --> 00:01:29,520
the last moment when Mrs Whitehouse
refused to mount the rostrum.

18
00:01:35,350 --> 00:01:37,650
Bad, bad news tonight.

19
00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:39,130
for ecologists.

20
00:01:39,340 --> 00:01:43,999
Traffic pollution is now so bad in the
west end of London that this afternoon a

21
00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:46,040
nightingale was sick in Berkeley Square.

22
00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:52,939
And now a sketch based on a pantomime in
which Mr. Ronnie Corbett plays the back

23
00:01:52,940 --> 00:01:53,990
end of a mouse.

24
00:02:10,700 --> 00:02:12,690
No, it isn't, dear. I haven't had my
oats.

25
00:02:12,740 --> 00:02:13,790
Oh, dear.

26
00:02:13,940 --> 00:02:18,140
Tell me, what do you suggest? Have you
got any bran flakes or corn krispies or,

27
00:02:18,141 --> 00:02:20,139
you know, really, what do you recommend?

28
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,820
Well, the force is very nice, sir.

29
00:02:22,020 --> 00:02:24,250
Oh, yes, I like a bit of force. Well,
don't we?

30
00:02:24,251 --> 00:02:29,619
Yes, now, I mean, anything else at all?
Well, we've got fizz, crunch, a muesli

31
00:02:29,620 --> 00:02:30,860
or oak lake nibbles, sir.

32
00:02:31,620 --> 00:02:35,080
I think I have the fizz. One fizz,
right. Yes, there we are. That's it.

33
00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:36,580
Have you any...

34
00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:39,410
Packet of flash. Packet of flash. Yes,
sir.

35
00:02:39,540 --> 00:02:40,590
Yes.

36
00:02:40,820 --> 00:02:44,899
And some vim. Some vim. Yes, sir. And a
vim. There we are. Nice to meet you.

37
00:02:44,900 --> 00:02:45,359
Yes, sir.

38
00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:46,560
Now, furniture polish.

39
00:02:46,780 --> 00:02:51,140
Yes. Have you any spangle? No, sir. I've
got shine, whine, whiz, glide, slide,

40
00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:52,460
slip, slap or skid, sir.

41
00:02:52,461 --> 00:02:58,439
I'll have the whiz. The whiz. Yes, sir.
The whiz. Now, where have I put the

42
00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:00,320
whiz? Oh, there it is, yes.

43
00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:04,800
And I desperately need a deodorant. Oh,
I wouldn't say that's enough.

44
00:03:07,739 --> 00:03:08,789
Have you any stud?

45
00:03:08,790 --> 00:03:12,639
Stud? No, I'm afraid we haven't. No,
we've got sting, stiff, sniff, snort,

46
00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:15,160
whoops, wow, and some sailor beware,
sir.

47
00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:19,470
I'll have the whoops. The whoops, yes,
sir.

48
00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:22,820
One whoops. Yes, sir. Big whoops, sir.
Oh, always.

49
00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:24,130
Oh, yes.

50
00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:29,960
Now, insect spray, do you do doom at
all? No, I haven't got doom. I've got

51
00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:32,470
zoom, clear the room, squash, squelch or
squirt.

52
00:03:34,700 --> 00:03:36,440
I'll have the boom, please. The boom.

53
00:03:36,700 --> 00:03:38,660
Big boom, sir. Oh, always.

54
00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:41,880
Now, some washing powder.

55
00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:46,959
Washing powder, yes. I've got Daz,
Bizaz, Omo, Promo, Primo, Pull, Push,

56
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,820
Rinse, Ritzo, Ratso, Rotso and Shred.

57
00:03:50,260 --> 00:03:51,940
I'll have the woosh. The woosh, yes.

58
00:03:52,460 --> 00:03:53,700
There it is. Woosh.

59
00:03:53,980 --> 00:03:57,000
Now, some alcohol -free lager.

60
00:03:57,400 --> 00:03:59,630
Whip, Whistle, Wallop or Windbreaker,
sir.

61
00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:03,410
The wallop.

62
00:04:03,411 --> 00:04:08,069
in Wallop, sir? Well, actually, I'm a
half pint, ma 'am. Oh, I wouldn't say

63
00:04:08,070 --> 00:04:10,749
that, sir. There we are. Half pint, ma
'am. Thank you very much. Now, some

64
00:04:10,750 --> 00:04:13,910
lemonade? Lemonade, tang, fang, bang, or
tinkle juice, sir.

65
00:04:13,911 --> 00:04:18,409
I'll have the bang, please. The bang,
yes. Bottle of bang. There we are, sir.

66
00:04:18,410 --> 00:04:21,669
Are we nearly there? We are nearly
there, actually. Yes, just two more

67
00:04:21,670 --> 00:04:23,790
first. I want some sauce. Have you any
HP?

68
00:04:24,170 --> 00:04:28,990
No. I've got OK, F -A, J -R, fruity,
floppy, sloppy, slurp, splosh, or

69
00:04:29,030 --> 00:04:30,080
sir.

70
00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:33,410
I'll have the splatter. One splatter,
sir, there. Yes, yes.

71
00:04:33,460 --> 00:04:35,760
And, uh, let me see now. One chocolate
bar.

72
00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:40,399
Yes, sir. We've got Crackle, Crush,
Crunch, Crash, Cram, Creamy, Steamy,

73
00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:41,450
and Stickmakers.

74
00:04:41,620 --> 00:04:45,290
One Cratch, four Cratch, one Cratch,
sir, there we are, sir. Yes, yes, yes.

75
00:04:45,291 --> 00:04:48,779
That's a whiz, then. That is the lot.
All right, sir. So that's, uh, Flash,

76
00:04:48,780 --> 00:04:52,810
Fizz, Vim, Whiz, Crash, Bang, Wallop,
Whoosh, Whoops, Boom, and Splatter, sir.

77
00:04:53,370 --> 00:04:55,290
Yes, could you say that again, please?

78
00:04:55,291 --> 00:04:58,909
Yes, sir. You've got flash, fizz, vim,
whiz, crash, bang, wallop, whoosh,

79
00:04:58,910 --> 00:05:02,330
boom and splatter. That'll be right.
Yes, sir. £4 .25, please.

80
00:05:02,590 --> 00:05:03,730
Oh, I'm not buying them.

81
00:05:03,731 --> 00:05:04,749
You what?

82
00:05:04,750 --> 00:05:07,989
No, I just want to hear you say them
again. Why, sir? Well, I couldn't afford

83
00:05:07,990 --> 00:05:09,370
any fireworks this year.

84
00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:12,410
May the force call with you.

85
00:05:29,859 --> 00:05:30,909
Russian.

86
00:05:31,420 --> 00:05:32,470
Russian hat.

87
00:05:40,860 --> 00:05:41,920
British hook.

88
00:05:44,020 --> 00:05:45,070
Russian joke.

89
00:05:46,060 --> 00:05:51,359
This time of year, you American
capitalists and you imperial British

90
00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:53,340
dogs are thinking of holiday.

91
00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:57,380
Here is a smile of welcome for you here
in Russia.

92
00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:08,660
They start with Aeroflot airline and fun
begin with a raffle for a seat.

93
00:06:10,460 --> 00:06:12,940
No first class in Russian plane.

94
00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:16,380
Third class, fourth class, pigs.

95
00:06:17,420 --> 00:06:19,700
You arrive at Russian hotel.

96
00:06:20,420 --> 00:06:21,880
All rooms complete.

97
00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:26,160
But please to bring your own towels,
soap and plug for wash basin.

98
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:28,340
Also wash basin.

99
00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:32,300
In Russian hotel there is no bugging.

100
00:06:32,830 --> 00:06:34,650
We do not play silly men who bug.

101
00:06:35,970 --> 00:06:37,250
All propaganda.

102
00:06:37,490 --> 00:06:41,989
However, if you have complaint about
Rome, please to speak clearly into hot

103
00:06:41,990 --> 00:06:43,040
water bottle.

104
00:06:47,390 --> 00:06:49,740
Incidentally, in Russia is no speaking
clock.

105
00:06:49,950 --> 00:06:53,730
But if you hear knock on the door, it's
four o 'clock in the morning.

106
00:06:55,330 --> 00:07:00,329
Moscow, and you wish to venture out to
see the changing of the guards at the

107
00:07:00,330 --> 00:07:01,380
Lubyanka prison?

108
00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:04,500
or to Rad Square and the Tomb of the
Unknown Tourist.

109
00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:11,439
Oh, please, please to spit on infamous
tomb of well -known dissident, you push

110
00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:15,320
-off, accidentally run over by three
buses only last week.

111
00:07:16,140 --> 00:07:17,900
Oh, no, sorry, that is next week.

112
00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:25,280
Rub shoulders with our friendly police,
KGB, NVD.

113
00:07:25,620 --> 00:07:27,100
Funny way to spell police.

114
00:07:28,420 --> 00:07:29,580
Word of warning.

115
00:07:30,110 --> 00:07:34,490
Some Russian girls will approach you and
offer themselves for a bar of soup.

116
00:07:34,850 --> 00:07:37,450
This disgraceful, unsocialist behavior.

117
00:07:37,950 --> 00:07:39,790
Going right to two bars of soup.

118
00:07:41,110 --> 00:07:42,330
Good enough, eh?

119
00:07:43,090 --> 00:07:45,470
Evening, Molotov cocktail hour.

120
00:07:45,750 --> 00:07:46,990
Time for culture.

121
00:07:47,250 --> 00:07:48,510
Bolshoi, I hear you cry.

122
00:07:50,550 --> 00:07:52,310
And we have many theaters.

123
00:07:52,750 --> 00:07:56,510
At Vanessa Redgrave Theater in Ken
Livingstone Grad.

124
00:07:59,180 --> 00:08:01,770
There is Russian women athletes, male
voice choir.

125
00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:08,859
Oh, they do two -hour concert. If you
don't applaud, they do three -hour

126
00:08:08,860 --> 00:08:09,910
concert.

127
00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:15,620
And a note to you men. If when walking
across the Red Square you hear Kalinka,

128
00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:17,820
it means it's real brass monkey weather.

129
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:25,780
So, Janicki. Excuse me.

130
00:08:28,500 --> 00:08:29,550
Dostoevsky.

131
00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:35,580
He was for many good musical shows. At
the Bolshoi is Niet, Niet, Naniet.

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00:08:37,059 --> 00:08:39,559
No longer starring Rudolf Nureyev.

133
00:08:41,740 --> 00:08:45,779
Features Song of the Welgar Boatman,
about a man who fell in love with his

134
00:08:45,780 --> 00:08:46,830
shredded wheat.

135
00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:51,660
Also see Donald and Shirley MacLaine in
Sound of Mujik.

136
00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:54,560
And Guy Burgess in Poofing Boots.

137
00:08:57,230 --> 00:09:02,670
Russian food is best in the world. Mmm,
here, cabbage on toast.

138
00:09:04,290 --> 00:09:05,350
Cabbage sandwich.

139
00:09:06,290 --> 00:09:08,390
And cabbage in the hole.

140
00:09:10,890 --> 00:09:15,770
Here, new conception by our great chef,
Vladimir Skopjev.

141
00:09:16,270 --> 00:09:17,830
Cabbage surprise, here.

142
00:09:18,430 --> 00:09:20,270
Surprise, there's no cabbage in it.

143
00:09:24,420 --> 00:09:26,800
British knife. You remember Uri Geller?

144
00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:30,000
Yeah, you cut food from Russia like
this.

145
00:09:31,060 --> 00:09:36,120
Vladimir Impossible.

146
00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:44,259
You take home a souvenir of Russia like
this Leningrad rock. See? All the way

147
00:09:44,260 --> 00:09:47,090
through it says, Help, I am prisoner in
the rock factory.

148
00:09:55,820 --> 00:09:56,870
Just a minute.

149
00:09:57,660 --> 00:09:59,420
The fool has signed it.

150
00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:04,980
But I hear the music of the samovar
thumbing up the magic of Russia.

151
00:10:05,260 --> 00:10:10,200
My friends, why not visit us before we
visit you?

152
00:10:22,180 --> 00:10:24,420
And not miss it now, Dory.

153
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:29,279
Longest what, though? You know, since
you were planning to move to a more

154
00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:30,330
expensive house.

155
00:10:30,460 --> 00:10:33,400
Oh, that. No, we decided not to move.
No, there's no need.

156
00:10:33,620 --> 00:10:34,920
No need? How do you mean?

157
00:10:35,180 --> 00:10:36,980
The council put the rent up. Oh.

158
00:11:00,270 --> 00:11:06,990
If you don't want my love, if you don't
want my love,

159
00:11:07,330 --> 00:11:13,609
if you don't want my love, I know

160
00:11:13,610 --> 00:11:18,730
I'll give it to you.

161
00:11:20,170 --> 00:11:26,749
May God have your charm, have them
hanging on his

162
00:11:26,750 --> 00:11:29,610
arm, but he won't.

163
00:11:40,590 --> 00:11:45,570
If you don't want my stuff, if you think
you...

164
00:12:16,330 --> 00:12:21,670
When you want me, I won't be around.

165
00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:17,540
Like the millions who choose second
base.

166
00:14:45,771 --> 00:14:52,139
strand up there on the street. Regis,
park your bike inside down there.

167
00:14:52,140 --> 00:14:53,660
There we are.

168
00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:54,930
Bill.

169
00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:59,080
I must say, it's totally weird to see
you again.

170
00:15:00,380 --> 00:15:01,820
How on the hill are you?

171
00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:03,090
Oh.

172
00:15:03,540 --> 00:15:07,270
Mustn't grumble. Still getting them
pains in me Dawson Junction, you know.

173
00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:09,100
Epic nuisance, eh, huh?

174
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:12,220
What about Euston?

175
00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:15,410
Oh. Fair lot to Mary Bone, thanks, you
know.

176
00:15:15,970 --> 00:15:19,670
Tottenham Hale and Highbury most of the
time. What about the missus?

177
00:15:19,990 --> 00:15:21,690
Oh, well... Oh, Dollis Hill, was she?

178
00:15:21,910 --> 00:15:22,960
Oh, no, Chigwell.

179
00:15:23,930 --> 00:15:26,490
Oh, yeah, Chigwell, the old elephant
castle.

180
00:15:27,030 --> 00:15:29,260
And your brother -in -law, what's his
name?

181
00:15:29,730 --> 00:15:31,110
What, Greenford, you mean?

182
00:15:31,330 --> 00:15:32,450
Oh, Stillbury, yeah.

183
00:15:32,750 --> 00:15:34,630
Oh, is he, yeah. Bit Queensway, is he?

184
00:15:37,390 --> 00:15:40,250
Yeah, Brent is Notting Hill Gate, as a
matter of fact.

185
00:15:40,311 --> 00:15:44,819
Makes you a very funny crowd and all,
you know.

186
00:15:44,820 --> 00:15:47,979
Oh, yeah, I heard that, yeah. He was
going around with the Thayden boys at

187
00:15:47,980 --> 00:15:49,030
time, wasn't he?

188
00:15:49,031 --> 00:15:50,939
They were big fellas, weren't they?

189
00:15:50,940 --> 00:15:51,990
Whopping. Yeah.

190
00:15:51,991 --> 00:15:56,659
Well, it was Islington down about six o
'clock this morning, wasn't it, eh?

191
00:15:56,660 --> 00:15:58,459
Absolutely poor with Rainer's Lane.

192
00:15:58,460 --> 00:15:59,510
Yeah.

193
00:15:59,511 --> 00:16:03,619
Very Wembley Parky out there and all
now, you know. Yeah, I know, I know,

194
00:16:03,620 --> 00:16:07,299
Still good for the Covent Garden, isn't
it? Yeah. What, all that base water you

195
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:09,590
mean? Yeah, turn them green, that will,
yeah.

196
00:16:09,591 --> 00:16:14,879
I've wanted to dagon them up, the Our
Honour's Grove, and plant something

197
00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:15,930
and oxy instead.

198
00:16:17,140 --> 00:16:20,990
What, you know a lot about Kew Gardens,
sir? Ah, Vauxhall, as a matter of fact.

199
00:16:25,180 --> 00:16:27,290
What for die streets the matter with
you?

200
00:16:28,260 --> 00:16:30,430
Earl's Court up in me hat -chamber, I
think.

201
00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:34,570
There we are.

202
00:16:34,580 --> 00:16:35,960
That's Beccantree. Oh, good.

203
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:39,040
Do you fancy a putney after work down
the Angel?

204
00:16:39,580 --> 00:16:41,260
It's more than my Rickman's worth.

205
00:16:43,511 --> 00:16:45,339
It is.

206
00:16:45,340 --> 00:16:48,900
If I slip down the Ainge, I'd very
probably end up all tottered to

207
00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:51,870
The Hammersmiths will pay when I get
home.

208
00:16:51,871 --> 00:16:54,299
Bit of an old witch, your old lady, you
see, eh?

209
00:16:54,300 --> 00:16:57,899
Yeah, mine's just the same. I have to
get down on me Hampsteads and Neesons if

210
00:16:57,900 --> 00:16:59,830
want to go for a pimp, they go, you
know.

211
00:17:01,420 --> 00:17:02,480
Run a ride than me.

212
00:17:04,060 --> 00:17:05,110
What's this here?

213
00:17:05,180 --> 00:17:06,700
Ah, there we are.

214
00:17:07,660 --> 00:17:08,920
That's it, all get off you.

215
00:17:09,500 --> 00:17:10,580
What for the back you?

216
00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:11,810
Ah, cockfosters.

217
00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:16,900
You left your barbican.

218
00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:18,570
Silly arsehole.

219
00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:37,899
The kidnapped all -girls orchestra are
now on board the SS Uganda, bound for

220
00:17:37,900 --> 00:17:42,779
Hong Kong, with their captors, the wily
Mr Chang, and the completely nutty Angus

221
00:17:42,780 --> 00:17:44,100
Hook spreading his butler.

222
00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:49,089
Meanwhile... Our two pathetic heroes,
Charlie Farley and Piggy Malone, have

223
00:17:49,090 --> 00:17:54,329
lured to a safari park by a gang of
hired Chinese thugs and are even now

224
00:17:54,330 --> 00:17:58,309
participating in a sinister game of hide
-and -seek that could result in death

225
00:17:58,310 --> 00:18:00,550
for them and dinner for the lions.

226
00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:26,300
Is that thing working?

227
00:18:27,020 --> 00:18:29,060
Yeah. I've had it on all the time.

228
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:30,650
Listen.

229
00:18:32,860 --> 00:18:35,750
It's more than our chances are. Where
are we going to hide?

230
00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:38,380
Hide? Hide? We've got to get to the
docks.

231
00:18:39,100 --> 00:18:40,780
Susie and Mrs. Bumson will be there.

232
00:18:41,060 --> 00:18:43,260
The girls are bound for Hong Kong.

233
00:18:43,261 --> 00:18:45,939
Yeah, we've got to dodge this lot first,
though, haven't we?

234
00:18:45,940 --> 00:18:49,780
A heavy blow on the back of the head is
not my idea of a day out.

235
00:19:13,669 --> 00:19:16,730
Back of the head is not my idea of a day
out.

236
00:21:43,290 --> 00:21:44,610
Chill out, man. I'll be back.

237
00:22:42,410 --> 00:22:48,149
Within the hour, Angus will soon be with
us, and we are bound for Hong Kong. And

238
00:22:48,150 --> 00:22:50,830
your dream will have come true, Wang
Fang Chang.

239
00:22:51,170 --> 00:22:52,220
Yes.

240
00:22:52,750 --> 00:22:55,250
At last, I have my harem.

241
00:22:56,130 --> 00:22:58,270
Each one of us also.

242
00:23:01,510 --> 00:23:04,330
I go to make preparations to get Angus
aboard.

243
00:23:04,770 --> 00:23:05,910
You stay here.

244
00:23:06,250 --> 00:23:07,830
Look after my treasure.

245
00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:15,010
His treasures.

246
00:23:20,420 --> 00:23:21,470
Jealous, darling?

247
00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:23,540
Not in the least.

248
00:23:23,780 --> 00:23:25,280
I have other accomplishments.

249
00:23:25,820 --> 00:23:27,300
We both have, dear heart.

250
00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:31,020
While they're playing him a tune, we're
leading him a dance.

251
00:23:34,980 --> 00:23:36,030
Who is it?

252
00:23:36,180 --> 00:23:37,360
It's cabin service.

253
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:39,900
We ordered nothing. We're in rehearsal.

254
00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:42,080
It's flowers to wish you bon voyage.

255
00:26:06,300 --> 00:26:07,350
Hello,

256
00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:13,290
boys. Hello.

257
00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:17,740
Susie, what's happening now?

258
00:26:17,860 --> 00:26:18,910
Do not worry.

259
00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:48,460
What are you after, old man?

260
00:28:04,490 --> 00:28:05,540
Are you?

261
00:28:05,550 --> 00:28:09,340
You followed us halfway around the world
and yet you seem somehow familiar.

262
00:28:10,430 --> 00:28:11,890
Yeah, what do you want?

263
00:28:12,450 --> 00:28:13,500
Don't you remember?

264
00:28:14,150 --> 00:28:16,250
You've still got my false teeth.

265
00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:45,780
Yes? Oh, excuse me.

266
00:28:47,820 --> 00:28:51,620
Are you the person I should see about
taking out an insurance policy?

267
00:28:52,380 --> 00:28:53,860
Yes, that is right. Come in.

268
00:28:53,861 --> 00:28:54,899
Oh, thank you.

269
00:28:54,900 --> 00:28:58,220
I want to insure myself, you see.

270
00:28:58,221 --> 00:28:59,339
Ah, fine.

271
00:28:59,340 --> 00:29:00,600
Against becoming Jewish.

272
00:29:07,481 --> 00:29:11,789
I'll insure myself against becoming
Jewish.

273
00:29:11,790 --> 00:29:14,390
Maximum cover, not too high a premium if
possible.

274
00:29:15,190 --> 00:29:18,380
Yes, well, I think you'd better take a
seat. Thank you, thank you.

275
00:29:21,050 --> 00:29:23,110
Are you comfortable?

276
00:29:23,470 --> 00:29:24,790
Oh, I'll get by, I'll get by.

277
00:29:28,210 --> 00:29:34,909
Look, while what you suggest is
perfectly reasonable in every way, we as

278
00:29:34,910 --> 00:29:39,270
insurers have to satisfy ourselves, you
see, that the chance...

279
00:29:39,680 --> 00:29:46,660
of your becoming Jewish is minimized as
far as possible. Do you understand?

280
00:29:47,000 --> 00:29:48,920
You mean you think I'm already Jewish?

281
00:29:49,180 --> 00:29:51,410
No, no, no, no. You think I'm Jewish
already?

282
00:29:51,540 --> 00:29:52,620
No, no, no, no, no.

283
00:29:52,621 --> 00:29:57,239
Well, if you think I'm Jewish, just come
right out and say so. I think you're

284
00:29:57,240 --> 00:29:58,290
Jewish.

285
00:29:59,540 --> 00:30:04,660
A little note of levity. However, I will
have to take down some details,

286
00:30:04,760 --> 00:30:06,720
obviously, for the sake of...

287
00:30:08,460 --> 00:30:10,690
Could I, uh, could I have your name,
please?

288
00:30:10,760 --> 00:30:11,810
It's Abrahams.

289
00:30:15,700 --> 00:30:16,750
Abrahams, yes.

290
00:30:16,760 --> 00:30:17,940
Now, and your address?

291
00:30:18,520 --> 00:30:21,000
35 Vermitts for Garden.

292
00:30:24,540 --> 00:30:25,590
Stanmore.

293
00:30:26,740 --> 00:30:27,790
Yes, right.

294
00:30:27,880 --> 00:30:28,930
Uh,

295
00:30:30,260 --> 00:30:31,740
well, uh, Mr.

296
00:30:31,960 --> 00:30:34,550
Abrahams, I... No, no, please, please,
call me Reuben.

297
00:30:39,150 --> 00:30:40,870
Well, Robin, I... Now, Ruben, Ruben.

298
00:30:41,210 --> 00:30:42,810
Sorry, Ruben.

299
00:30:43,650 --> 00:30:48,789
While I personally don't doubt your
sincerity in any way at all, I mean, I

300
00:30:48,790 --> 00:30:53,950
really mean that, I can't, of course,
answer, do you see, for my superior.

301
00:30:54,190 --> 00:30:56,310
Oh, superior, schmoo -perior.

302
00:30:56,311 --> 00:30:58,989
I'm not going to let them tell you what
to do.

303
00:30:58,990 --> 00:31:02,789
Now, look, that is the sort of thing
that may very well arouse suspicions,

304
00:31:02,790 --> 00:31:03,970
Jewish expression.

305
00:31:04,390 --> 00:31:06,010
Look, I can't help my face, can I?

306
00:31:06,011 --> 00:31:09,349
What can I do about my own face? I can't
do anything. about my own face.

307
00:31:09,350 --> 00:31:12,949
Look, why don't you accept the words of
a man when he says he's not Jewish?

308
00:31:12,950 --> 00:31:15,780
Look, look at me, look at me. I'm
miserable. I'm miserable.

309
00:31:15,830 --> 00:31:18,960
Jewish people have a wonderful sense of
humour. They're funny.

310
00:31:18,970 --> 00:31:20,230
Look at Max Bygrave.

311
00:31:22,010 --> 00:31:24,650
Max Bygrave is not Jewish. Exactly,
exactly.

312
00:31:25,130 --> 00:31:28,770
For all my life, I'm Gentile. Please,
I'm as good as they come.

313
00:31:29,030 --> 00:31:33,049
Look, I must ask you to leave the
office. I really... Oh, what a

314
00:31:33,050 --> 00:31:36,629
Please, would you mind doing me a
favour? Just reconsider my offer, would

315
00:31:36,630 --> 00:31:40,569
please? Look, you don't... seem to
understand that there is the very

316
00:31:40,570 --> 00:31:45,349
of insurance, is that you, the client,
pay we, the insurers, large sums of

317
00:31:45,350 --> 00:31:46,389
money. Yes.

318
00:31:46,390 --> 00:31:47,440
Yes, that is it.

319
00:31:47,930 --> 00:31:52,969
That is insurance, you see. Now, were
you to ask me to insure you against

320
00:31:52,970 --> 00:31:54,590
becoming a Catholic... A Catholic?

321
00:31:54,790 --> 00:31:55,930
What do you take me for?

322
00:31:56,030 --> 00:31:57,170
What do you take me for?

323
00:31:57,710 --> 00:32:01,200
I said, what, the policy against sudden
conversion to Catholicism?

324
00:32:01,201 --> 00:32:04,429
You must think I'm bombing. One pound a
month. Oh, one pound a month, I'll take

325
00:32:04,430 --> 00:32:05,480
it.

326
00:32:07,440 --> 00:32:08,490
friend Jaime as well.

327
00:32:08,491 --> 00:32:12,319
Against becoming a Catholic, certainly.
Oh, that's wonderful. He's outside.

328
00:32:12,320 --> 00:32:14,670
I'll just go and get him. Take a moment.
Thank you.

329
00:32:15,200 --> 00:32:19,239
Jaime, Jaime, the man says he will
insure you against becoming a Catholic.

330
00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:22,239
told you I'd get you a good deal. Come
on in, come on in. This is my friend

331
00:32:22,240 --> 00:32:23,290
Jaime Borgia.

332
00:32:39,050 --> 00:32:43,569
to warn any young children looking in
that they should not, under any

333
00:32:43,570 --> 00:32:46,940
circumstances, attempt to tell the joke
I'm going to tell tonight.

334
00:32:47,390 --> 00:32:49,010
It is extremely dangerous.

335
00:32:50,290 --> 00:32:51,850
This audience could murder me.

336
00:32:53,330 --> 00:32:56,929
Whereas the father of two children
myself, I like to be a little bit

337
00:32:56,930 --> 00:33:00,790
a matter of fact, my two young daughters
will both be fast asleep by now.

338
00:33:01,830 --> 00:33:03,570
They're over there in the third row.

339
00:33:05,710 --> 00:33:06,760
I'm not nervous.

340
00:33:06,830 --> 00:33:08,250
That was just a little joke.

341
00:33:09,080 --> 00:33:11,640
To be honest, I have bought them a
little present.

342
00:33:13,300 --> 00:33:14,350
A pet.

343
00:33:14,920 --> 00:33:19,260
I don't want to speak too loudly because
I have an idea it may be asleep.

344
00:33:25,140 --> 00:33:26,460
Yes, it is.

345
00:33:27,920 --> 00:33:34,719
Actually, to be honest, I bought this
because... I bought this because

346
00:33:34,720 --> 00:33:36,040
my elder daughter...

347
00:33:36,330 --> 00:33:40,449
has not been having a happy time of it
just lately, ever since we started

348
00:33:40,450 --> 00:33:42,740
sending her to the John McEnroe Charm
School.

349
00:33:46,170 --> 00:33:51,509
Now, to be honest, I don't think the
teachers, to be honest, have got the

350
00:33:51,510 --> 00:33:57,289
idea. The other week, she had her
arithmetic homework sent back, marked 12

351
00:33:57,290 --> 00:33:58,340
of 10.

352
00:33:59,390 --> 00:34:01,410
12 out of 10, must try harder, it said.

353
00:34:02,170 --> 00:34:05,960
Then for English, everyone in the class
had to write an essay on the subject.

354
00:34:05,990 --> 00:34:07,690
How does your daddy earn a living?

355
00:34:08,469 --> 00:34:09,730
She put, it beats me.

356
00:34:12,770 --> 00:34:19,169
By contrast, my other daughter is doing
quite well. She's very much into music

357
00:34:19,170 --> 00:34:23,330
and art at the moment. She does a lot of
brass band rubbings, you know.

358
00:34:24,230 --> 00:34:25,889
A common story.

359
00:34:25,890 --> 00:34:30,448
On with the story. Now, this is actually
a true story, personally witnessed by

360
00:34:30,449 --> 00:34:34,290
our local choir master while he was in
the odd fellow's arms.

361
00:34:37,870 --> 00:34:39,270
Selling copies of gay news.

362
00:34:40,429 --> 00:34:44,339
As a matter of fact, our village pub, to
be honest, is steeped in local history.

363
00:34:44,750 --> 00:34:50,249
At one time of day, it used to be known
as the Shoemaker's Arms, after a chap

364
00:34:50,250 --> 00:34:51,928
who lived there in the 18th century.

365
00:34:51,929 --> 00:34:54,969
The story goes that one day he joined
the King's Cobblers.

366
00:34:57,080 --> 00:34:59,500
And has... Remember,

367
00:35:01,500 --> 00:35:02,550
he's sound asleep.

368
00:35:03,060 --> 00:35:08,580
He joined the King's Cobblers and had
his needle and thread confiscated.

369
00:35:08,660 --> 00:35:13,979
a few weeks ago... A few weeks ago. I've
just seen it myself, as a matter of

370
00:35:13,980 --> 00:35:15,030
fact.

371
00:35:17,360 --> 00:35:23,599
It does bring a tear to your eye.
Anyway, a week ago, one Sunday

372
00:35:23,600 --> 00:35:25,540
the regulars were there at the bar.

373
00:35:26,140 --> 00:35:30,019
And the local farmer was just
demonstrating his new idea for producing

374
00:35:30,020 --> 00:35:32,060
butter, a cow in a rocking chair.

375
00:35:33,640 --> 00:35:39,259
And the landlord's wife had just served
up one of her extra hot curries, and

376
00:35:39,260 --> 00:35:41,670
there was a mad scramble for the pile of
pennies.

377
00:35:45,040 --> 00:35:51,000
At that point, into the pub walked this
rather large huntsman.

378
00:35:51,001 --> 00:35:54,639
with a rifle slung over his shoulder.
And he went straight up to the landlord

379
00:35:54,640 --> 00:35:57,770
and he said, excuse me, he said, I am
looking for a little sport.

380
00:35:57,920 --> 00:36:00,990
And the landlord said, have you tried
the vicar's daughter?

381
00:36:00,991 --> 00:36:04,959
The chap said, that is no good, it's got
to be dear. He said, well, she doesn't

382
00:36:04,960 --> 00:36:06,010
come cheap.

383
00:36:07,520 --> 00:36:08,570
Because...

384
00:36:10,080 --> 00:36:11,640
He has a ready wit, our landlord.

385
00:36:11,641 --> 00:36:14,979
The chap said, look, he said, my good
man, I mean to bag some deer and I'm

386
00:36:14,980 --> 00:36:18,540
wondering whether there are any in that
big forest down the road.

387
00:36:18,541 --> 00:36:21,399
The landlord said, whatever you do,
don't go in there. He said, that is the

388
00:36:21,400 --> 00:36:24,600
private estate, he said, of Sir Hartley
Ponceforth.

389
00:36:24,880 --> 00:36:29,999
And he has a very short way with
poachers, he said. If he finds you

390
00:36:30,000 --> 00:36:32,759
deer, he said, he'll tie you to the back
of one of his sheep. The chap said,

391
00:36:32,760 --> 00:36:34,939
what's so terrible about that? He said,
you'll find out when the lamb gets

392
00:36:34,940 --> 00:36:35,990
loose.

393
00:36:42,450 --> 00:36:44,980
I shouldn't have said ram, but it'll be
cut anyway.

394
00:36:47,690 --> 00:36:54,070
Well... Well, the huntsman, undeterred,

395
00:36:54,071 --> 00:36:57,289
undeterred, said, he said, I'll take
that risk, he said, and immediately he

396
00:36:57,290 --> 00:37:01,109
departs from the forest. Whereas luck
would have it, he bags a small deer and

397
00:37:01,110 --> 00:37:04,589
loads it onto his shoulder, you see, and
he begins strolling back to the van.

398
00:37:04,590 --> 00:37:07,289
Well, he's about 100 yards from the gate
when all of a sudden he's confronted by

399
00:37:07,290 --> 00:37:08,370
the local gamekeeper.

400
00:37:08,371 --> 00:37:11,729
And he thinks to himself, now don't
panic, I'll just stay calm, act casual.

401
00:37:11,730 --> 00:37:13,840
may not notice I'm carrying the dead
deer.

402
00:37:13,841 --> 00:37:16,849
He drops his cap and says, good morning,
sir. He said, I've just been picking

403
00:37:16,850 --> 00:37:20,449
wildflowers and I seem to have lost my
way. The gamekeeper said, don't give me

404
00:37:20,450 --> 00:37:23,149
that. He said, what is that on your
shoulder? He said, oh, he said this. He

405
00:37:23,150 --> 00:37:26,249
said, this is a rifle. You can't be too
careful with these footpads and muggers

406
00:37:26,250 --> 00:37:29,489
about. At which point the gamekeeper
gives him a baleful glare. He said, I'm

407
00:37:29,490 --> 00:37:30,690
talking about the rifle.

408
00:37:30,810 --> 00:37:32,670
I'm talking about the other shoulder.

409
00:37:32,770 --> 00:37:35,720
The chap says, other shoulder? What
other shoulder? Ooh!

410
00:37:45,930 --> 00:37:46,980
I say, Albert.

411
00:37:47,050 --> 00:37:51,210
What? Do you reckon our wives are having
a good time round at your house?

412
00:37:51,430 --> 00:37:52,670
Well, they might be.

413
00:37:53,170 --> 00:37:54,750
Then again, they might not.

414
00:37:56,130 --> 00:37:58,170
You can't say I am.

415
00:37:59,810 --> 00:38:02,770
What? I can't say I am having a good
time.

416
00:38:03,510 --> 00:38:05,670
No. No, neither can I.

417
00:38:05,990 --> 00:38:10,729
What? Say you're having a good time, you
may. No, I can't say I'm having a good

418
00:38:10,730 --> 00:38:11,669
time either.

419
00:38:11,670 --> 00:38:13,610
No, neither can I. No.

420
00:38:16,940 --> 00:38:18,200
Neither of us are, really.

421
00:38:18,460 --> 00:38:20,700
Not really. Not having a good time. No.

422
00:38:22,960 --> 00:38:24,010
Hello?

423
00:38:24,720 --> 00:38:25,770
Oh, hello.

424
00:38:26,120 --> 00:38:27,170
Yeah.

425
00:38:27,280 --> 00:38:30,560
Oh, how funny, because we were just
saying the same thing.

426
00:38:30,980 --> 00:38:32,460
Yeah. Oh, yeah.

427
00:38:32,960 --> 00:38:34,560
Yeah. Well, I'll tell him then.

428
00:38:34,860 --> 00:38:36,040
Yeah. Right -o.

429
00:38:36,980 --> 00:38:39,800
Who was that? That was your wife, Doris.

430
00:38:40,020 --> 00:38:42,400
She says they're not having a good time
either.

431
00:38:43,040 --> 00:38:44,940
So she's going to come back here.

432
00:38:45,370 --> 00:38:49,050
I think I might as well be getting off
home myself, then. Yeah, yeah.

433
00:38:49,051 --> 00:38:53,349
Say, Albert, I don't think we'll bother
to do this again, do you? No, definitely

434
00:38:53,350 --> 00:38:57,290
not. No, no. I don't think this wife
-swapping's all he's cracked up to do.

435
00:39:39,039 --> 00:39:41,400
We hate one another.

436
00:39:45,480 --> 00:39:48,180
He ratted on his mama to the red man.

437
00:39:56,840 --> 00:39:59,860
I don't like the look in your eye.

438
00:40:00,100 --> 00:40:01,150
I spit in it.

439
00:40:03,360 --> 00:40:09,500
I spy a Rolls Royce going by. I throw a
load of sugar and spit in it.

440
00:40:29,230 --> 00:40:30,450
Just shut up.

441
00:40:31,610 --> 00:40:38,570
I told them all to strut off. Of the
labor exchange.

442
00:40:39,570 --> 00:40:41,850
I'm real grotty.

443
00:40:42,510 --> 00:40:45,230
And me head looks potty.

444
00:40:46,310 --> 00:40:48,750
Cause it's like a baby's potty.

445
00:41:02,170 --> 00:41:05,790
It's like a baby's body.

446
00:41:07,470 --> 00:41:09,510
I grease it and I oil it.

447
00:41:11,090 --> 00:41:12,870
I shove it down the toilet.

448
00:41:29,360 --> 00:41:30,860
Why don't you tune up your bay?

449
00:41:32,420 --> 00:41:34,880
Why don't you shut your face?

450
00:41:36,000 --> 00:41:38,240
You don't half look as safe.

451
00:41:39,860 --> 00:41:40,910
Watch it, mate.

452
00:41:43,400 --> 00:41:45,720
You look the right prairie hat.

453
00:41:47,180 --> 00:41:49,460
With your trousers like that.

454
00:41:50,240 --> 00:41:54,120
Youse have one of them one -and -a -half
-piece suits.

455
00:41:54,600 --> 00:41:57,600
Or have your trousers and a row of your
boots.

456
00:42:00,510 --> 00:42:03,130
talking, why don't you give it a rest?

457
00:42:05,610 --> 00:42:07,630
You got more rabbit than St.

458
00:42:07,870 --> 00:42:10,730
Breeze. It's time you got it off your
chest.

459
00:42:13,510 --> 00:42:18,649
I never dreamed I'd end up with the last
of you. If you don't like it, you can

460
00:42:18,650 --> 00:42:20,670
stop it. That's what you can do.

461
00:42:21,090 --> 00:42:27,829
I'll tell you, man, I've had enough of
you. With your incest and dogging,

462
00:42:27,830 --> 00:42:28,880
become a pet.

463
00:42:29,470 --> 00:42:33,749
Rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

464
00:42:33,750 --> 00:42:35,689
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

465
00:42:35,690 --> 00:42:35,689
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

466
00:42:35,690 --> 00:42:35,689
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

467
00:42:35,690 --> 00:42:35,729
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

468
00:42:35,730 --> 00:42:38,569
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

469
00:42:38,570 --> 00:42:38,569
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

470
00:42:38,570 --> 00:42:38,609
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

471
00:42:38,610 --> 00:42:38,629
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

472
00:42:38,630 --> 00:42:38,709
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

473
00:42:38,710 --> 00:42:38,709
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

474
00:42:38,710 --> 00:42:38,709
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

475
00:42:38,710 --> 00:42:38,709
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

476
00:42:38,710 --> 00:42:38,709
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

477
00:42:38,710 --> 00:42:38,709
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

478
00:42:38,710 --> 00:42:38,709
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

479
00:42:38,710 --> 00:42:38,709
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

480
00:42:38,710 --> 00:42:38,709
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

481
00:42:38,710 --> 00:42:38,729
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

482
00:42:38,730 --> 00:42:38,729
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

483
00:42:38,730 --> 00:42:40,170
rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

484
00:42:57,740 --> 00:43:00,700
She'd have them all queuing up at the
doors.

485
00:43:01,180 --> 00:43:04,280
She'd draw the crowds like she crowds
her drawers.

486
00:43:05,700 --> 00:43:07,300
Don't stop talking.

487
00:43:07,620 --> 00:43:09,720
Why don't you give it a rest?

488
00:43:12,360 --> 00:43:17,380
You've got more of it than Sainsbury's.
It's time you got it off your chest.

489
00:43:20,680 --> 00:43:25,279
I never dreamed I'd end up with the
likes of you. If you don't like it, you

490
00:43:25,280 --> 00:43:27,260
stop it. That's what you can do.

491
00:43:27,800 --> 00:43:33,160
I'll tell your man I had about enough of
you. With your insistent talking,

492
00:43:33,320 --> 00:43:35,680
you'll be coming up, eh?

493
00:43:36,040 --> 00:43:40,239
Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit,
rabbit, rabbit, yak, yak, yak, yak,

494
00:43:40,240 --> 00:43:43,779
rabbit, yak, yak, rabbit, rabbit,
rabbit, yak, yak, yak, yak, funny,

495
00:43:43,780 --> 00:43:47,510
funny, jabber, jabber, jabber, jabber,
jabber, jabber, jabber, rabbit.

496
00:43:57,550 --> 00:44:02,230
Spider Woman. Spider Woman. Spider
Woman.

497
00:44:02,670 --> 00:44:04,330
Spider Woman. Spider Woman.

498
00:46:16,970 --> 00:46:20,970
Yes, I'm sorry to say it does. But
before we go, a few late items of news.

499
00:46:21,210 --> 00:46:27,409
The cremation took place earlier today
of Mrs Doris String, Britain's longest

500
00:46:27,410 --> 00:46:28,670
-serving office cleaner.

501
00:46:28,671 --> 00:46:32,609
And at a brief ceremony this evening,
former colleague swept her ashes under

502
00:46:32,610 --> 00:46:33,660
carpet.

503
00:46:36,210 --> 00:46:40,510
Good news tonight, after today's
accident at the house of Marvo the

504
00:46:40,511 --> 00:46:44,309
where, due to a misunderstanding, he
changed his wife and daughters into a

505
00:46:44,310 --> 00:46:45,360
and two armchairs.

506
00:46:49,680 --> 00:46:53,919
a policy statement on television
tonight. President Reagan told Americans

507
00:46:53,920 --> 00:46:58,299
the present recession has to be
confronted with all the intellectual

508
00:46:58,300 --> 00:47:00,840
administration can muster. He's forming
a posse.

509
00:47:05,380 --> 00:47:09,559
Finally, we've just heard about a new
and relatively cheap way of splitting

510
00:47:09,560 --> 00:47:11,970
atom. You send it through the post, Mark
Fragile.

511
00:47:11,971 --> 00:47:17,379
Until then, it's goodbye from me. And
it's goodbye from him.

512
00:47:17,380 --> 00:47:18,429
Goodbye.

513
00:47:18,430 --> 00:47:22,980
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